Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
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Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
m’lady
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
Brain: that was a good cookie
Body: here’s 4 pounds
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
The biggest problem with finding another job is I don’t want one
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
Erm I’m gonna say no
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.