Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”

teacher: where is your assignment?

me: my dog ate it-

[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]

me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.

I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.

[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring

I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.

Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.

I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.

What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa

when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you

Dad at the park told me he thinks the age gap between my kids was a bad idea and seemed too hard. He says the age gap between his kids was better. Very helpful thank you!

Holy shit he’s back

Deathbed confession

Me: We’re bankrupt

Him: What? How?

Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time

My 7yo, “rich people have a lot of money and we don’t have that much, so we are normal people.” Idk, I’m still stuck on “we” because she has zero money.

When someone asks me a question that I can tell is gonna turn a rude corner, I like to trap them with my Keep Going facial expression. Eyebrows lifted, face tilted, slight smile. And then I wait, ready with a pleasant Yikes.

What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.

Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.

Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?

-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.

-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?

-No clue.

I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions

If wrestling is “fake” then explain this

the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest

superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts

me: this is relatable as hell

I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”

[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]

Me: hi I think we were separated at birth

Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.

I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.

boss: why are you so late?

me: why are you so obsessed with me?

writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound

Woke up with morning Yule Log

911 what’s your emergency?

I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.

Ma’am we don’t–

IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION