gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
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I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
San Francisco has too many rules
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy