Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.

For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.

i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀

My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.

A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa

I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.

PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.

OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.

REALIST: A train.

TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.

it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that

Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.

good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here

bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it

good cop: god he is so bad at everything

an octopus is just a wet spider

I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.

The world needs a more violent way to give people clothing. ~the inventor or the t-shirt gun

WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?

Objection your honor, if the prosecutor doesn’t have anything nice to say then he shouldn’t say anything at all

We’re only a short time away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.

Or at least I am.

Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.

me: i just love traveling!

my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about

“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”

I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.

-me as a witness, describing the murderer

police: put ur hands behind ur back

me: are u mad at me

Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.

Burger King: A king.

Wendy’s: A joyous child.

Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.

Chairman:

Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?

everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.

Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.

me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.

me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning

friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out

me: old?

Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.

Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.

Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.

Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.

*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.