gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
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Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
to any witches I’ve offended: please don’t shrink me, it would be just awful if I had to go live in this large nineteenth-century doll’s house
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
Me: Don’t be so upset, this is FRIENDLY fire
Other soldiers: OMG PLEASE STOP
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.