gonna boost my morale by cracking jokes in front of my juniors
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Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
one thing that could really “level-up” the experience of being a pedestrian would be if cars had some kind of feature that could indicate to an outside observer whether or not they were going to turn in a particular direction
To whom it may concern,
My family isn’t missing so I suspect you have the wrong address.
Please stop posting me human fingers.Many thanks
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
2022 will be better than 2021
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
Butt weight. There’s more!
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
