Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.

Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner

Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.

Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.

BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool

ME *remembering I’m me* oh no

Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.

My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.

Oh, to be a rat with a pancake

Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.

Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade

“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.

WIFE: I’m leaving

ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more

WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops

ME: Ooh get tacos

Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.

When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”

Orange is oranging 🟠

They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.

I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.

[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right

My octopus can beat up your octopus.

*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*

“Lets do this.”

I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.

Thanks YouTube

16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?

Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.

16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.

Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.

16: Exactly, pick something else.

If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.

Bread is a hell of a drug.

I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.

$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!

i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget

to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain

i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”

doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day

also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week

I found your tweet-up…

Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.