gonna boost my morale by cracking jokes in front of my juniors
You Might Also Like
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
My kids: We’re bored!
Me (thinking about when I sharpened a whole box (50?) of yellow pencils with my grandmother’s bolted to the desk, metal, pencil sharpener): Hm. That’s a you problem.
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
Fun fact of the day: Hugh Hefner took so much viagra in his lifetime that his coffin lid still hasn’t closed all the way.
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead