gonna boost my morale by cracking jokes in front of my juniors
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Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
would be a terrible security guard. too easily bribed. I’d be out there saying “and these potato chips you offer, are they flavoured?”
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.