gonna boost my morale by cracking jokes in front of my juniors
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Pretty much. 🤣
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? I would look pretty stupid walking around the grocery store with 12 baskets.
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.