gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
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my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.