gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
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HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
The secret to being a private person is to overshare dumb shit so people think you are an open book but then not tell them any of the important details of your life.
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
Everyone thinks they’re brave right up until a goose starts chasing them.
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
*pronounces surface like Versace*
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
Not even remotely sorry.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil