Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck

Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials

After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?

If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person

Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.

Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?

The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.

Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?

I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.

I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me

A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀

Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?

Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.

Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…

The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.

The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.

righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.

– factory defect men’s underwear

Hi, it’s me. The guy who was just complaining about it being to warm in November. You might think this would preclude me from *also* complaining about how cold it’s gotten now but I contain multitudes.

No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.

what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings

Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay home

Tomorrow: ok, the floor is lava

Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.

Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?

Did you know?

Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.

[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]

I think salmon have the right idea.

Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.

Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.

GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes

ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can

GENIE: son of a

‘I’ll cut a bitch.’

– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure

Beyonce, shame on you. Beytwice, shame on me.

Anarchy

I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.

Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift

There’s a kid who we used to have round occasionally who is no longer welcome. Pathological liar and scheming little bully. Constantly involved in fights at school but none are ever his fault. He’s gonna end up in jail, hospital, Prime Minister or CEO of a big4 consulting firm

FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years