Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:

1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.

i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video

Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.

Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.

*Gets on plane*

*Takes out earbuds*

*Untangles earbuds*

*Plane lands*

forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies

If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder

me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?

some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”

Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”

We have no idea if you’re lying.

My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.

When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back

Me: will you wake your sister

4: no that’s way too scary

So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.

I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.

Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.

I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2

It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.

My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”

But I just call a spayed a spayed.

Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe

Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.

I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.

My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter

When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.

I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed

me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us

ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?

me: oh no

2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant

3rd ghost: pleasant

4th ghost: pleasant

5th ghost: pleasant

everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David

one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere

(To the guy at urinal next to me) You’re doing the right thing. Going here and not in your pants

The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.

My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.