Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
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Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
i love meeting boys on tinder
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Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
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Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.