Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
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Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
giddy up Office Depot
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*