Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him

I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness

Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.

Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…

So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?

I put my phone in airplane mode.

Worst. Transformer. Ever.

I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work

Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?

YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy

Me: *astonished whisper* Son?

Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”

Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”

Me: I need to make better life choices.

Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.

Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.

What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.

What I actually buy in Aldi:

SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom

I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible

I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me

Me: smells good, what’s cooking?

Wife: bacon

Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg

The United Steaks of America

major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already

your elf on the shelf was delicious

If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.

“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.

maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them

[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation

I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.

To the max.. 😂

Sound on

*runs 3 steps*

my heart: if u don’t stop i will

You are probably horrified by my wardrobe

Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St

Should not be a surprise

Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.

Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)

6yo student: My grandma has that dress.