Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
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In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
I’m listening to an anger management podcast and after every point the host makes he directs us to his website to buy his program and ngl it’s pissing me off
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldn’t find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
The toilet seat moving unexpectedly has to be the scariest shit that can happen to you where you’re in absolutely no danger whatsoever
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
not to brag, but mine was free
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.