Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
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Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
Filling my pez dispenser with ibuprofen for whimsical pain relief
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
hey girl, let’s crawl into the bottom of a sleeping bag together and romantically pretend we just got swallowed by Jaws
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
bringing 3 beans to the state fair so I can use them to barter for cows
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
eating my hot dog hamburger style
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.