Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch

Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.

Friend: pollen?

Me: hipsters.

*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*

[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax number

Fax:EEphkEekakischchEEek

Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight

LOOOOOOL

*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles

Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?

Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.

Once you realize there is no going back, a guy with a time machine appears in your life and ruins everything.

Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.

After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.

I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.

“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.

Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.

Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.

2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.

Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.

Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.

Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.

[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help

When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.

The dog seemed okay with living in a Jewish household until we scheduled his circumcision

My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.

>Take medicine to prevent symptoms
>The symptoms don’t occur

Wow I can’t believe I didn’t even need to take the medicine

You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?

Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying

Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!

Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes

Cop: The fashion police

Me *kicking my crocs off* shit

burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh

ㅤ

My love language is hissing.

[God making sausages]

Angel: What’s next?

God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing

*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*

Cop: “Do you know how fast you were going?”

Me: “Officer, I’m focused on the future.”