Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
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I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
💀💀💀💀
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Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
I’ve been lied to my entire life
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
I think this might be relevant today.
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I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
I don’t work out to lose WEIGHT to look HOTTER. I work out to lose WEIGHT because my WEDDING RING has been stuck on my FINGER since 2021.
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
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Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”