Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE

Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.

Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.

Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.

Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.

* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *

Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun

You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.

Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.

Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.

As a kid: the floor is lava

As a parent: the floor is Lego™️

Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real

Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!

me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?

waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way

kids: YAAAAY!!!

me: thanks, bro

No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.

Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.

What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on

ME: and what are we going to do next time?

7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard

M: and for you?

7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911

Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.

I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair

10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.

The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.

People who wear cycle helmets with a little camera on the top can be quite intimidating, especially if it’s the first time you’re having sex with them

yeah no that’s fair

Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.

The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer

This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.

Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish

me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM

me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM

If my tweet gets more than ten likes, it’s a classic. If it gets fewer than ten likes, it’s a cult classic.