Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
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I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
Have kids so you can live in a house full of people who can’t find anything.
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
every video on here is a staged fight called something like “Was the Nurse Right to Yell at the Patient🤔” with 1.3M comments that say “imho if I were the nurse i would yell at the patient”
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
