Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
You Might Also Like
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
three things we don’t talk about
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer