Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
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lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
7yo: Want to know how I got so good at math?
Me: Yes.
7yo: I found out there was a calculator on my watch, and I pretend to read the time in class now.
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn