Gonna end every insult with “but in a good way”
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Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
I woke up this morning with stir-fry all over my bed.
I was probably sleep-wokking again.
everyone’s blaming media illiteracy for ppl mistaking poo crave for pop crave but babe that’s just regular illiteracy 😓
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
We don’t deserve birds.
If you love someone, set them free . . . if they come back with a large pepperoni pizza and wings, it was meant to be.
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
Yes I’m the dude at the liquor store with a grocery cart but in my defense I do have 10 relatives coming over for dinner tomorrow
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it