Gonna end every insult with “but in a good way”
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Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
I like slipping notes into suggestion boxes saying things like “send for help, i’m stuck in this suggestion box”
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.