Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
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No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
if I was a nepo baby I’d never use my parents’ status to get a job, I’d live off their money and never work
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
He a real one for that
what’s really going on
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
My mom texted me to say “we called a guy to help us with passions in the basement.”
It took me forever to figure out she meant type “possums.” Thanks for the lovely mental picture, autocorrect.
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.