Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
You Might Also Like
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
uncle dave has been through hell
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
People always ask me why I listen to audiobooks on my headphones while I’m in the gym. It’s because I can’t read.
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags