Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
You Might Also Like
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
Opening up a chiropractor office and calling it “Back to Normal”
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
The pigeons are plotting to overthrow the government. It will start with a coo.
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
The struggle is real.
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens