Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
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You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard cats screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. They are just probably in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
Woman on the mom forum wants to start a weekly play date club (good idea!) and another woman chimed in:
“Is it so you can steal information about women’s husbands so you can cheat with them, like how you cheated with mine?”
And now my Sunday just got MUCH more interesting!
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
NASA has no chill
Me irl
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist