Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
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8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
“dress for the job you want”
There’s a job you want???
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag