Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.

as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default

I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.

Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.

It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.

Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper

Friend: I’m poly.

Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!

Dream inside a dream
 – inception

Inn inside an inn
 – innception

Re: Re:
 – reception

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
 – email from your gran

Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.

“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.

-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book

WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one

Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors

I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.

6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT

“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies

“I just love a man in uniform”

~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes

Möther may I have a snäck

I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.

Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.

I sexually identify as a hand grenade

When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.

Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*

If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”

SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!

– dogs

Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?

Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?

Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.

Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster

Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard

What’s a more polite term to call a druggie?

His Highness

Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family

Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday

[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!