Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
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-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.