Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Seeing a lot of posts about “rawdogging a flight” but can we discuss those absolute weirdos who rawdog the movie theater?

No popcorn, no drink, just watching a movie for two hours. At least smuggle in some Twinkies under your jacket.

May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean

me: one Big Mac with no cherries

cashier: cherries?

me: no thanks

Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”

Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”

Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”

Me: “Nope.”

I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.

her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?

me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?

When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.

Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.

– texts to my bed

Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!

My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.

I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.

Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.

Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket

I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.

You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.

IRL

I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.

Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.

Capital punishment should only be used for people who say the meeting will end early and then run 5 minutes over.

‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress

“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.

How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…

Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.

How do bananas greet each other?

“Yellow”

I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes

Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.

[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans

I don’t want kids, but I do want grandkids. Hoping science finds a way

Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.

Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.

Sir, that’s a phone book.

Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”

I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.