Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again

Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.

I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted

When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.

Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.

Empathy: I feel you

Sympathy: I feel for you

Lycanthropy: I feel awoo

My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.

Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School

Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”

What’s the different between Black Eyed Peas and Chick Peas?

Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song.

Chick Peas can hummus one.

Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors

A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.

me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.

my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?

STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!

Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’

PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!

Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!

I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.

The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.

*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*

i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone

Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?

Nothing this big stays secret.

Just Google them.

There’s probably a torrent somewhere.

If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated

If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.

I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”

Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok

Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.

[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what

Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present

Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours

The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.