Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
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You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
Oops I deleted….
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
When the stylist spins you back around
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe