Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
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eggs benadryl
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
turning my gender off to conserve energy
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.