Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
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instead of renting an apartment im going to save up for a lighthouse and go insane in it
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Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
The Backseat Boys
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
“I heard this story last time. Do you have anything new?”
-Me, as a therapist.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
