Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
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Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
Bringing home a sharpie
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
Me trying to figure out if this cantaloupe is ripe
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
never deleting this app.
Broke a plate. Now it’s Canadian.
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
