Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
You Might Also Like
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
Kinda lame that pretending everything is fine isn’t working
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
Math at Halloween.
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself