gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
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Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
I forgot how to panic. Help
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.