gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
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If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
I found a guy today on Reddit that goes into the loss prevention subreddit and brags about how he is always stealing cheesecakes from Costco. He’s the cheesecake joker. He even tells them how he’s doing it
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
I was walking past a farm and a sign said: “Duck, eggs!”
I thought: “That’s an unnecessary comma.” – then it hit me.
Politics top tip: Gain people’s trust by telling them that everyone is lying to them.
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake