gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
You Might Also Like
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
I know i asked for constructive criticism, but what I actually wanted was for you to tell me I’m extremely hilarious, and also handsome. Sorry if that was unclear.
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
Remembering when I was in 7th grade and my bestie and I realized our grandpas both fought in WW2 and we were like “omg were they besties too?? 🥹🥹” and then I told my mom and she was like “honey……..Noelle is German”
Blue Sky never giving us this kind of heat.
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
It was the best of times, it was the election year of times.
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.