gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
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“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
We’ve all been there…
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
thoughts and prayers for my teen who just said she’s sick of asking me to do something
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?