Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
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If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
I could NOT have put it better myself.
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
Not wearing deodorant because I put lotion on my hands and couldn’t get the cap off
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.