Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?

[two astronauts in space station]

“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows

Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure

Me: *typing* exercise

Autocorrect: extra fries

Me: this is better

If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.

If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.

2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!

I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”

1980s : average parent ; 4 kids

2016: average kid ; 4 parents

The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”

How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”

Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.

Me: How long have you had the other one?

Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.

zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS

9th graders: whoa!

zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD

9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–

zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS

Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.

I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.

I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.

Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?

Superman: Um obviously.

Batman: Think about that for a second.

By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.

My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.

[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over

Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant

Me: Oh my god

[later that day]

Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk

You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….

And it’s 8:25 p.m.

PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes

[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal

“Want me to tell you how to murder someone and get away with it?”

—my 9yo, making conversation at lunch. At a restaurant. In public.

[at the gym]

Body builder: how much can you curl?

Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon

ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle

I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.

People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician

Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit

Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one