gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
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No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me