gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
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Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
Is anyone gonna tell them?
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
“Whistle while you work”
~The boogers in my nose
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
Rubbing your own eyes good n hard is awesome, but the thought of someone else doing it for you is horrifying.
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
Don’t you hate it when you go in ALDI to buy an apple and walk past the middle aisle and then you’re back in your car with a 4 person tent and a fucking bbq
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
Reminder:
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
I try not to tweet when I’m happy…because I respect you guys and what we do here.
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
Telling my friend they will end up with the partner they deserve (insult but said in the tone of a compliment)