Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
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KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
“You don’t like my cooking? You’ll be hearing from my lawyer!” – Sue Chef
The most unbelievable thing on TV is when a killer is in the house and someone hides in empty space under the bed. You mean to tell me you’re not keeping 6 storage bins, three rolls of Christmas wrapping paper, and a box of old papers under there
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
*cough*
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
three things we don’t talk about
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.