Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
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[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
“I wouldn’t.”
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
smh
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.