Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
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*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training