Gonna need a little more blood sugar before I stand on a 6 foot ladder and have both hands involved in wiring.
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time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
Okay this one takes it home
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
This guy I really hate has started his own software company. I’m a programmer. After a few months of work, I’m about to finish building a completely free version of his app; and share it everywhere.
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
Me: This escape room sucks
My boss: This is a budget meeting…
So in Ohio if they say ‘it’s raining cats and dogs’ does that mean they’re having an all-you-can-eat buffet?
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
Hacker: Give us your password or else
30 minutes later…
Me: OK, now try 1987 and three exclamation points
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
I never forget to eat but I do eat to forget
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
Me: God, please stop giving me your toughest battles
God: you literally just have to empty the dishwasher
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE