Gonna need a little more blood sugar before I stand on a 6 foot ladder and have both hands involved in wiring.
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NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
.. do you even science?
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
My husband brought home a 55 gallon drum from work and I’ve never felt more insulted. I could fit in smaller.
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
Me: I only use one side of my brain.
Them: Which side?
Me: The bad one.
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.