Gonna need a little more blood sugar before I stand on a 6 foot ladder and have both hands involved in wiring.
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I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
[michael jackson if he became an ER nurse instead of a singer]
annie? are you okay?
you’ve been hit by *flips page on chart*
you’ve been struck by… *flips next page*
a toyota corolla
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
Scream sneezers need love too.
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha