gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
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just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
They delivered 70 boxes of snacks and water for our summer program. I unloaded 3 hand trucks in like 15 min. The delivery guy gonna say “I was gonna ask for your number but you too strong and independent I’d rather just tell you we’re hiring” 😭😭😭😭😭
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down