gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
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Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Everybody loves that comfort food until you end up with that comfort body.
Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
What’s the name of that drink? “The Will Smith”?
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
so much oil in my hair rn america’s plotting an invasion
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
Not everyone thinks Cleopatra is beautiful…
But that’s how Julius Caesar.
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up