Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is

Hey boy, are you a software update because not now

if your best friend is whoever wishes you happy birthday first, mine is a dentist’s office i went to once 7 years ago

Oh the things that I’d do* to that man

*stand in the corner awkwardly and hope he notices me and thinks I’m cute

Peter Parker Peter Driver

Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.

My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas

Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.

If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy

I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.

So McDonald’s employees can spot the United healthcare CEO murderer but can’t spot the fries missing from my fucking bag?!?!!??

Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.

Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone

thank god I have a cat. who else is gonna shit in this box I have

i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long

Egregious Outerwear Lies

Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive

[Person about to invent vaping] I wish this mango smoothie was on fire.

If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality

Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”

I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.

FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.

PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.

The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.

Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?

My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.

A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.

I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.

Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.

Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?

6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken

😳

Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats

Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries

Me: Even if I-

Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat

Me: *purrs*

Her: Still no

my gf left me cuz i’m insecure

never mind she’s back she went pee

Anakin: Want to go out?

Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.

Anakin:

Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.