Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?

Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!

I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.

[standing outside in the rain]

*opens weather app*

Looks like rain today.

local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application

I don’t care for the term drug mule, why can’t it be a drug unicorn.

good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.

During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.

You know something I’ve discovered?

This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.

It’s about the people you connect with.

Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.

❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜

Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.

Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk

I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.

– Bear suicide note.

Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.

Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?

No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema

Me: I lost 13 pounds.

Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!

The cardboard doesn’t go in the oven with the pizza… does it.

Urgh. Trying to buy a copy of Catch-22 online but the seller won’t post it until I’ve paid and I won’t pay until I’ve received it.

[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present

Cop: You ARE the lawyer

Me: So where’s my present?!

Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?

Me: Yes of course I…oh no

Half sister: what

Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.

dude killed a sea lion with his bike

“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo

The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.

I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.

dog: why can’t I see colors?

me: you’re visually impaired.

dog: what’s impai?

Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫

I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.

Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it