Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
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Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
Normalize the Christmas piñata so you can “miss” and whack Uncle Frank who’s being a dickwad.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
one time when i was a kid i fell off my skateboard & hit my head so hard i was briefly able to communicate with bees
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
Triceratops seeks Tricerabottom
-Jurassic period Grindr
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.