Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
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My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
how many bears make up a bear minimum
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
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Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon