Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is

[stepping out of time machine]

me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe

giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect

Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.

Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded

ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?

BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?

ME: no, it’s a Civic

I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.

breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!

friend: what are your plans for The Purge?

[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]

me: do a murder

I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.

Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.

Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!

It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.

It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.

Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.

And I’ve still got time.

guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish

The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots

ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory

ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back

“when we kissed, I saw fireworks” you mean the kiss was super boring despite also being incredibly loud and scaring the shit out of my dog?

this is a sign that you need a union

My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.

5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.

Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.

If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano

i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice

*bumpes into my ex on the street

*dials a number

Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!

me: *quarantines self*

*runs out of wine*

me: *unquarantines self*

Aragorn: You have my sword.

Legolas: And you have my bow.

Gimli: And my axe.

Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.

Aragorn: But we’re heading to –

Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.

if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks

Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.

I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave

Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG