Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.

Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?

Dave: Death!

Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.

Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.

My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.

My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.

An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth

~ realistic wedding vows

To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.

Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”

Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies

When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist

Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.

I remember the time we were at a Restaurant, and my wife told me she was going to have A Baby! …And I decided just to have the Soup of the Day ..

me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.

Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.

[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?

I almost just turned down a beer.

Calm down, I said almost.

Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug

“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”

I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.

I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.

You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.

– Broadway producers

Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house

Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.

Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”

“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.

Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.

Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.

Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠

[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?

“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”

But…I’m Swedish!

“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”