Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.

I’ve tried being less handsome but it’s like stapling water to a tree…impossible

I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”

Me: why should I use your dish soap

Dawn: look how good it cleans this duck

Me: ok well how does it do on dishes?

Dawn: again, I can’t stress enough how clean this duck is

Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?

*Biden raises hand*

Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?

*Biden lowers hand*

Me: I really want to go travelling

My bank balance: like…around the house?

Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.

Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.

Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti

these can’t be my only options

TEETH IS INNOCENT

[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.

[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god

I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.

Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.

For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.

[company all-hands Zoom call]

CEO: The future is ahead of us!

Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.

Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.

I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble

Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:

“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”

Big up the 12 yr old kid on my daughter’s school camping trip who has mistakenly got my number listed in her phone as my daughter’s number and so has been texting me from her tent at midnight and 2am going SO WHAT’S THE PLAN?

My boss called in sick of me

When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.

Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work

How to make-out –

1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.

The idea that librarians spend all their time telling children to shush is an unflattering, outdated, and severe stereotype. We actually spend all our time telling children to stop running.

Covid like

The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.

Just because the deodorant says 48 hours, it doesn’t mean you should challenge it