gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
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You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
Every episode of Kitchen Nightmares Gordon Ramsay is like “have a clean restaurant and serve fresh food” and the owners are like “oh shit we never thought of that”
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
im so bored im gonna join a poly relationship and stage a coup and kick the main one out
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
A new study done by economists says the American dream now costs approximately 4.4 million dollars or one roll of duct tape and two to three celebrity children
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.