Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.

damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding

Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.

If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.

[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”

AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!

ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.

AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.

My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”

Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.

i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg

My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…

So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.

All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:

Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”

ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?

JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?

Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.

Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?

🤣

Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:

I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.

I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.

My favorite part about being sick is when you sneeze with a cough drop in your mouth and it launches across the room like a cruise missile.

me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”

Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…

HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE!

[Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra

I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.

I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.

Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you

Nobody:

5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?

Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.

I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.

A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb

Saw two dads share a dad joke out in the wild.
At a grocery store, two guys exchanging a cart. The guy taking the cart said “did ya put some gas in it?” And the other guy patted the cart and said “yep, filled ‘er up for ya” and they had a good little chuckle together