Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up

employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears

doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
 
me: omg why god whyy
 
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
 
me: wait, i’m not dying?

doc: whoa there, hold your horses

Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.

People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.

I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.

I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.

Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.

Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King

“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”

-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time

If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.

As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”

[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out

If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??

My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”

I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂

“Are you mad at me?”

No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????

Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?

Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.

Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.

Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.

Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg

Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.

Me: You touched my heart.

Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL

My age is news to me every single time I remember

I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order

I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.

Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones

Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich

Me: …

Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.

[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]

Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”

[getting a ride home]

Me: ok keep going straight here

Train engineer: stop saying that