Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Arm falls off

Wife: You don’t drink enough water.

Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.

Jail

Oh, so you’re a human?

name three pictures with traffic lights in them

me: truth or dare

government: truth

me: is Wyoming real

government: dare

No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.

The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.

Dear God, woman. Not the cake!

Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-

Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women

Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right

Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”

I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.

When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”

Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.

God: Give them free will

Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”

God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.

[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?

Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).

ME: Let’s go get some chicks

[later]

FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind

ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe

Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition

Diet, Day 14:

I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.

But I’m starting to really like pears.

Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?

Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.

I thrive on chaos!

*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*

My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals

I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”

This joke is 7 years old

I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.

me: 11 can you come here

11: am i in trouble?

me: …no…but…should you be?

11: no.

me: sus.

No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway

My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.

I’m so blessed.

Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers

I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles

I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.