Gonna put this on a dog and blow some minds
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The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
I falcon love using swear birds
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
Surprised my wife with freshly washed towels. She didn’t ask for it but when she opened the linen closet four towels fell on her
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
Husband of the year 😂
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.