Gonna put this on a dog and blow some minds
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Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
What if the weather talks about us?
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
My mother had eight kids. She didn’t have time to cut our ham sandwiches in quarters. We just went to school with a bag of wheat and a live pig and figured it out.
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.