Gonna put this on a dog and blow some minds
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For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
“This cashier is a dipshit.”
– Me at self checkout
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
We just need them to keep making increasingly serious movies until we finally understand the character of the Joker, a clown who is mean.
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.