Gonna put this on a dog and blow some minds
You Might Also Like
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
I think I’m having a stroke
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
met a woman tonight and I overheard her say she’s a nurse and I was like omg you’re a nurse! I just started ER I love it! And she was like oh that’s awesome I’m ICU! How’s the ER? and then I had to explain I was simply excited to meet a nurse bc I am watching the tv show ER
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
me: do you think he’ll ever walk again
wife: [recording baby’s first steps] yes
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
The Wolf of Wall Street.
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.