@TheRealStanLee

Gonna put this up there and let it sink in…

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@nash_official

i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot

@findmydolls

In September a 127 yr old woman passed away, which we already KNOW is a lie bc the earth isn’t even 127 yrs old. Don’t be ignorant.

@MoarCaffeine

Being poor means having to read the menu card from right to left.

@BackrowSeats

Remember that someone out there is thinking of you right now, figuring out how to make your death look like an accident.

@bazecraze

“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”

@Dutch_50

Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!

@thegayfarmerguy

The wind blew a smart car into my lane and I had to roll down my window and swat it out of the way.