Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All I’m saying is, maybe the designers of this statue could have worked a little harder to find an inspiring Rod Serling quote.

if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones

lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit

officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk

floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*

Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.

Not to expose myself for being dumb—but the vet told me my dog had a spot that might be a melanoma and the first words out of my mouth were “oh that does run in our family.” Like, I really forgot for a sec that I did not give birth to her.

Things that keep me up at night #6874

The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…

I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.

my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:

I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier

Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?

No, Autocorrect ….

the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –

though she can be devilish at times.

Me: *wakes up sobbing*

Him: Again??

Me: I’m just so terrified…

Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”

Me: I know… I know.

We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…

[after sex]

ME: that was…magnificently stupefying

HER: please put the thesaurus down

Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.

I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.

the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE

*getting ready for bed*

Me: Oh did you lock the front door?

Burglar: I’ll go check it

Me: Thanks hon

Wife:

As a kid I wasn’t allowed to dress up and go trick or treating. So as an adult I enjoy it even more, and wish there were more satanic holidays.

Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.

My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.

[1 MINUTE LATER]

My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…

I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.

Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”

18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”

28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”

Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs

Isn’t it odd that “read” is pronounced like “lead”, while “read” is pronounced like “lead”?

I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me

Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.

“The engine light is on” Yeah that means it’s working

me adding lol on a serious message

In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.