Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
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That de-escalated quickly
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
my sister, since we’re at a 10-hour time difference now, which means that she lives “in the future”
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
My dad’s always complaining about the thermostat.
He’ll say to me, “Daniel, why did you get a tattoo of a Thermos?”
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!