Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
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I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
For anyone who needs this today
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety