Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
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My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
You’re so vain. You probably think me being in this tree outside your house is about you.
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
new bit: referring to my husband as my “ex-boyfriend”
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
my one true gender
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.