Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*

flight attendant: STOP THAT

Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.

He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.

My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.

“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”

Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.

“You could have done so much better than him.”

Me: Mom, I’m right here.

My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.

The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.

Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.

[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason

[blind date]

HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*

ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am

The Office: Coronavirus

Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this

Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity

Angela wears a hazmat suit

Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine

A group of toddlers is called a migraine

I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment

[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘

I went to a school that was so posh, the gym was called James.

It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…

…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.

After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.

Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.

Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.

“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”

Brain: Magical!

Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?

Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.

I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.

COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem

[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]

I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.

If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge

The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.

There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for life

So anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.

bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?

me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting

aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy

My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.