Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
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My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
Am I high or is this air conditioner unit stargazing with her legs out the window right now
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
Im sick of the microsoft authenticator like who would be logging in to do my work? Tf 😭😭😭😭
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
Fiction has to make sense.
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.